Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
