so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
