I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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