4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
