if i can run in heels then i can drive
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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