i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
