i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
