that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
