sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
