why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
