New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
