i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My ass is underappreciated
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
