He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hippo gnu deer
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You don't make any sense
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