Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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