I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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