I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
