Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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