never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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