I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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