I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
How does one acquire holy water?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
