i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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