There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
