Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
