moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
