At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
