I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
