If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
