hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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