How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
