Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just cropdusted the office
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
