I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
