just tell him i said nine months
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
