non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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