I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize