I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize