I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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