I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
