Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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