Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize