Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
being pregnant is like rehab
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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