life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
