I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize