We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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