I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
