You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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