i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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