OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
