made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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