mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
