I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Quick, to the slutcave!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
