Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
