Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
