so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
