I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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