you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize