How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
