Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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